InfraRead

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Buckle up. I’ve got a whole lot to say. 

Cause wow. What a book.

In My Dark Vanessa, Kate Elizabeth Russell explores the abusive relationship between 15 year old Vanessa Wye and her 42 year old teacher Jacob Strane. The story bounces between the years Vanessa spends as Strane’s student in the early 2000s and Vanessa’s adult life in 2017. At the height of the Me Too movement, Strane is accused of multiple inappropriate student-teacher relationships, groping, and molestation– and Vanessa is asked by the whistle blower to dig up the past and help expose Strane as a pedophile.

It isn’t often that I want to jump through the pages and shake the main character and beg her to wake up. Russell writes such a compelling, flawed, and truly human character, Vanessa clearly dealing with PTSD and conflicted emotions. Despite the disgust she often feels throughout the book, Vanessa doesn’t see herself as a victim. At times, she even experiences complete clarity and calls the grooming for what it is. But Strane has buried himself so deep in her soul, she does not trust her own intuition.

While reading, I often felt exhausted for Vanessa. You can feel the emotions with her, especially with her being an unreliable narrator. Because she is in love with Strane, we see the situation through a blurred lens. 

This book makes you ask yourself some hard questions. Why doesn’t Vanessa speak up? Why can she not admit it was abuse? Vanessa herself best explains it:

“I can’t lose the thing I’ve held onto for so long. You know? I just really need it to be a love story. You know? I really, really need it to be that. Because if it isn’t a love story, then what is it? It’s my life. This has been my whole life”.

Vanessa has quite literally spent her whole life being manipulated into loving this man. She never got the opportunity to experience vital milestones everyone goes through in order to grow emotionally. Because of this, she still feels stuck at 15. Still inside that classroom. 

One of the parts of this book that I find the most disgusting is how Strane loses his sexual desire for Vanessa as she is getting older. In her early 20s, they continue the relationship but eventually Strane loses his attraction to her. He has to find new victims at the boarding school in order to satisfy his needs, and this makes Vanessa feel used and worthless. He makes her implicit in his crimes by telling her about the young students he is fantasizing about. But, he claims his love for Vanessa was so strong that he looks for her in all the new girls. He does this to leash her. If he keeps Vanessa in love with him, she will not go to the police or journalists to talk about her experience. It is just another form of control.

“There’s nothing stopping him from reaching in and grabbing whatever he wants. I’m special. I’m special. I’m special.”

Over the years, Strane constantly pulls away from Vanessa. He gives her love and friendship, tells her he sees her in a way no one else will. She has no friends and is isolated from any connection, so she relies on this kinship for affection. Then he pulls away and tells her how wrong their relationship is. Vanessa is forced to reach out and cling onto the only form of love she knows. Through this dynamic, he is able to construct their story into being her fault, her always holding onto him and not being able to let go. He makes her to blame so that she doesn’t see it as abuse, because she’s asking for it. Right?

This point is why it is so heartbreaking when Taylor Birch, the whistle blower, reaches out to her and asks for her help exposing him. Vanessa cannot possibly help Taylor when Strane has engraved it into Vanessa’s mind that she asked for everything that happened. He had completely rewritten the story to fit his narrative. And how can Taylor feel abused when all he did was touch her knee inappropriately? When Vanessa was subjected to years of rape and violations? How does a pat on the leg even compare to that?  

But Vanessa is unreliable, and it is important to remember that any sort of abuse is traumatic. Just because their experiences were different does not discount Taylor’s trauma. Vanessa does not see this clearly, and is blinded by her memories. It is not until the end of the book where we finally see a spark of life, a potential to move on.

I think that is what makes the book feel real. It does not seem like a story because there is no magical happy ending. The girls never receive real sort of justice, and the stain that is Strane is never wiped away. Because that does not happen in real life. In real life, not all victims receive justice. The trauma they experience never really goes away. For some like Vanessa, it takes over their life. 

My Dark Vanessa makes you face a harsh reality. It makes you uncomfortable, disgusted, revolted, infuriated. But that is why this book is important. Abuse should make you uncomfortable, it should disgust you. It should make you want to get justice for all of the girls and women in the world who suffer. Books like My Dark Vanessa are needed because they do not let you hide and it does not let you ignore reality. 

This is Russell’s debut novel (omg). To wrap it up, the story was beautifully written, and I think the inclusion of literary references really pushed the story further. It explains why Vanessa, at such a young age, felt like this was destined to happen to her. Definitely a book I would recommend if you are able to handle certain triggers.